Funny Tweets of Twitter – September 2014

Yeah, I know it is October, but I have been in Costa Rica so hopefully I get some slack. Here are some funny tweets I have been saving from the month of September 2014.

Favorite, follow and enjoy!

When someone asks you to take a picture of their group, see how far you can back up with their phone before they say something.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) September 26, 2014

Not trying to be overdramatic here but goodbye *life as I know it. *My three year old dropped his nap.

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) September 23, 2014

When in doubt, yank the cord out. This summarizes my computer repair skills.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) September 18, 2014

It’s almost noon and an NFL player hasn’t been charged with anything today. Wtf?

— andy lassner (@andylassner) September 13, 2014

Keys to happiness: 1 Eat ice cream 2 Smile often 3 Get plenty of rest 4 Smell the roses 5 Bitchslap every idiot you meet

— moiste porque (@MoistPork) September 15, 2014

Ever notice that people will ask permission to be frank or honest, but never “May I be an ass for a minute?”

— juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) September 20, 2014

You guys are lucky. Blackberry gave everyone a free Celine Dion album.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) September 16, 2014

I know I’ll never spontaneously combust, because I have to plan EVerything.

— Angela Helga (@AngelaHelga) September 10, 2014

Nobody Cares that You Pooped – How to Make the Transition from Toddler to Young Adult

— Pauly Miller (@Pauly_Miller) September 16, 2014

It’s really fucked up that “monosyllabic” has five syllables.

— Schindizzle (@Schindizzle) September 5, 2014

There are check-writing people at grocery stores and then there’s the rest of us.

— Susan Spiaggia (@LipstickSpice) September 7, 2014

If sales clerks worked for tips, you just know those assholes would stop calling us “ma’am.”

— Polythene Spam (@BettyLies) September 29, 2014

I don’t have a big butt. Wake me up when people start making songs about upper arm fat.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 24, 2014

“Muchos beepos.” – ArturoD2

— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) September 6, 2014

“I’m gonna netflix the fuck outta that shit!” is a thing I just said, in case any of you wonder what it’s like to be in your early 40s.

— jennifer lemons (@thecheckoutgirl) September 14, 2014

Texting 101 Lol = light snort LOL = laughing out loud LOLOLOL = slapping knee, laughing hysterically ROTFLOLLMAOLMFAO = stroke

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) September 17, 2014

Romney/Ebola 2016

— wile e. quixote (@ScottLinnen) October 1, 2014

Sometimes I notice that I haven’t tweeted in nearly a month and think, “I’m cured!” And then I do this.

— Steven Bonisteel (@bonisteel) September 30, 2014

 

Any more suggestions that made you stroke out on ROFLing?

Or people I should be watching for October?