Funny Christmas Tweets

I used to be so good at holiday cards, but seeing as I immediately upload every photo I have all year long… consider this post my Christmas card to you all. A collection of very funny people on Twitter and their hilarious tweets from this time of year. Merry Christmas!

I see your kids’ matching handmade Christmas outfits and raise you a “my kids are dressed and fed.”

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 24, 2015

Sometimes I feel so festive I agree to have some eggnog, except I can’t bring myself to drink anything called “eggnog” so wait, no thanks

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 26, 2015

Saint Nicholas died almost 1700 years ago, so if you think about it… Santa Claus is the most popular zombie story of all time.

— Jamie Capria (@MrFornicator) December 25, 2015

Somewhere Steve Harvey just woke up his family to wish them a happy 4th of July.

— Travon Free (@Travon) December 25, 2015

Christmas Card: You don’t mean enough to me for a present. Here’s a high quality piece of paper with my signature in it.

— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) December 25, 2015

If you are posting workout selfies today, you are an asshole.

— ruby (@rubyjnkie) December 25, 2015

Sometimes I stack three marshmallows on top of each other and eat them in front of a snowman like I’m devouring one of his kids.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) December 23, 2015

What to get the uncle-who-has-everything for Christmas? Material things are overrated. Follow him on Instagram! (Sponsored tweet)

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) December 25, 2015

If Santa really was a saint he would have taken everything out of their boxes and put in the batteries before we got up.

— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) December 25, 2015

Dinner is over, presents are opened. Time to get my mom upset by saying I’m the biological father of my dogs

— Chet Swears (@mattytalks) December 25, 2015

Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It’s not a choice. That’s how it was born.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 25, 2013

[Fox news] Merry Christmas everyone, and here’s today’s top story. Santa Claus, international drug smuggler?

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 25, 2015

Me: Hey guys, do you want to open presents or keep playing Minecraft? 6yos: (in unison) Minecraft Me: Oustanding *opens beer

— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) December 25, 2015

On Christmas Eve my family lets me open one deep-rooted emotional wound

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 25, 2015

Just to spite Paul McCartney, I am going to complicatedly have a wonderful Christmastime.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 25, 2015

On a scale of “my stomach just grew its own stomach” to “volunteers just tried to guide me back into the sea”, how much have you eaten?

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) December 25, 2015

As a result of falling energy prices, that stocking full of coal is even less desirable.

— John M (@John_M15) December 25, 2015

Congratulations to everyone who has more followers than Jesus did!

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) December 25, 2015

Merry How Long Can You Go Without Returning to Your Room to Put on a Bra Because You Should Wear a Bra in Front of Extended Family Day!

— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) December 25, 2015

I hate commercialism, obligatory gift giving and religion, but my 10yo just cried tears of joy at a present and I think I’m Born Again now.

— Li’l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) December 25, 2015

Me: Could you put these presents by the tree? Nephew, 5: *hurls presents across room in general direction of tree* Me: Yep, we’re related.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) December 25, 2015

Christmas. The holiday that confirms you’re the third favorite child.

— David Bedard (@bedizzle) December 25, 2015

“Now what?” -kids

— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) December 25, 2015