We have been up at Keystone for almost a week now but it feels like a year. We really needed a vacation. While this has been a sponsored trip, we have just relaxed. You know that kind of relaxing? Where you *literally* cannot remember what day it is? I only know it is Thursday because on Tuesday my whole family SWORE it was Thursday and we all checked our devices to make sure. Today is Thursday. I am almost positive. Humans clearly created vacation to give their mind a rest. Even if we are doing non-restful things (like in the case of Bryan, who has been snowboarding his brains out), sometimes we just need to remove our brain from everyday life, do something different, think about other things. That way you appreciate where you are while vacationing, but also appreciate your regular life more too.
Working from home gives me great flexibility. I am not sure I could go back to a traditional office, ever. But essentially working alone all day kind of fucks with your head. Social networks help. You can pop in and out, chat for a few minutes, see what is happening out there, get back to work. The problem is, you live inside your own head a lot. Sometimes you don't actually talk to a person outside your immediate family for days - or even weeks. You start wondering if you are reading things with a skewed perspective. I know I have become more sensitive.
Getting back into the swing of things after being in Costa Rica for 10 days is hard. Overwhelming. Which is why I took some time this afternoon to browse through my thousands of photos from our visit to Tabacon Hot Springs and in a huge effort to relieve the experience, I created an animated GIF of my friends getting pummeled by a waterfall of volcano water. Left to right are Kim Tracy Prince, Andrea Fellman and Romy Schorr. Good sports all three, and great travel buddies.
I feel stupid talking about my health because once I get rolling, I sound like I am making it up and/or I am a total hypochondriac. As a child, I wasn't particularly sickly - although I do remember a bad case of pneumonia when I was out of school for so long my mom sewed me a doll. I wish I still had that doll, because it was one of those surprise gifts that mean so much. It would also be nice to hug that doll on days that I try and balance all the things wrong with me now. I've always battled my weight and yo-yoed up and down since puberty. There is rampant Type 2 diabetes on both sides of the family, so it's not surprising they found mine at age 32 while I was pregnant with Dex. They knew it was not gestational - my numbers were so high the diabetes clinic cleared their evening schedule to teach me about insulin and the nutrition of diabetes. I asked if Bryan could give me the shots and the nurse looked at me sympathetically. "You're going to be dealing with this the rest of your life. We really prefer that you handle it."
It's funny how anger feels when it is bottled up. Sometimes I imagine my chest is a mason jar and the heat of my emotions just continually push, condense, drip and reform inside the glass walls. That is how I have been feeling lately. Trapped inside my jar. I know part of all this is perimenopause; slowly creeping in, at least five years earlier than I imagined it would. If you have been through this fantastic stage of life, you understand how anger stays on the fringes of everything. Chipping a nail now becomes something that makes your blood boil. Your child making the most normal child-being-a-child comment makes you wonder why you ever wanted to be a mother. Then, add shifts in friendship, pressure at work... and a general feeling that there is nowhere to go with these feelings.