Nov 2005
04

Press 1 to kill your husband.

A: ((dials Bryan’s extension… ringg ringg))

B: ((answers phone)) Hello, thank you for calling Bryan. If you would like speak to Bryan, press 1.

A: ((1))

B: I’m sorry, all Bryan’s are busy right now. If you would like to talk to a horse, press 2.

A: ((2))

B: Now, if you would like to speak to a horse in Spanish, press uno. Or, if you would like to speak to a German horse, press zwei.

A: ((2))

B: I am sorry, the German horse has been put out to pasture.

A: ((presses buttons all over the phone and holds them for annoyingly long periods of time))

B: I am sorry, I did not understand your selection. Please try again.

A: ((forgets what she called about and hangs up))

Nov 2005
03

Hot Potato

A friend asked over the weekend what my favorite Halloween costume of all time was. I told her about how I loved the costumes my mom made for me growing up (she was super handy with needle and thread, a gene that did NOT flow into my veins)… Bozo the Clown, Cinderella, Peter Pan… and my all-time fave – Raggedy Ann. Complete with yarn wig that my mom made herself. And the bloomers were out of this world!

As for costumes I made for myself… my baked potato get-up was the best. Circa 1996-ish, and all hot glued together…. it was still pretty impressive.