Nov 2005

We’re So Stereotypical

My therapist was telling me today that she was reading a recent study that confirmed what we all knew. Men are the daredevils and women are the snugglers.

She said that in childrearing, men generally did better at the exploration tasks (as in, letting them fly across playground equipment at frightening speeds) and women were better at nurturing tasks (as in, giving oodles of hugs and kisses when they have an owie).

We totally proved this theory in our house this weekend. My son, who will 99% of the time pick Dad over me for ANYTHING, wanted me all weekend while he was sick.

Am I wrong if I admit I enjoyed it?

Nov 2005

What I learned today…

1). Do not go to the pharmacy at 9am on Mondays. Millions of old people are already there in line ahead of you.

2). Do not trust that your insurance and your prescription benefit company are actually talking to each other, even though they appear as a united front on your insurance card.

3). The pharmacist at the local grocery store seems to think she knows my health insurance plan better than I do. (She was wrong).

4). Do whatever it takes to get the meds your son needs, because life is so much better after he takes them.

Nov 2005

Bushism of The Year

Go to About Political Humor to vote for the most insipid, inane thing our so-called leader said this year. There are some doosies!

1) “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” —to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of Hurricane Katrina, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

2) “See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” —Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

3) “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.” —on “Good Morning America,” Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

4) “You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.” —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) “I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?” —in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005

Nov 2005

Story from the park yesterday…

Bryan took Declan to the park yesterday… As Dex was playing, Bryan struck up a conversation with a mom there and they started talking about Declan’s school (which mixes special needs and non-special needs kids). Bryan told the mom that one of the things he loves about the special needs atmosphere is how all the kids really help each other. At that exact time, Declan was standing on the other side of the jungle gym, next to a kid who looked to be about 18 months old. Bryan watched him lean over and say something to the boy and before Bryan got a chance to investigate what was up, Declan leaned back and yelled to Bryan, “Daddy!!! He needs help getting on the bridge!”

Sniff, sniff.

Nov 2005


You thought I was going to talk about religion. Ha! No way.

A good friend of mine received some interesting news from her family today, and while she is still processing it – she asked if I ever had a big “revelation” in my family.

I immediately thought of when I was like 7 and my dad said, “Oh by the way, that person you thought was your grandfather is actually your step-grandfather. We are going to meet your real grandfather today.”

They had a falling out and Dad didn’t speak to him for like 15 years. Basically because (I think) my real grandfather had a nervous breakdown and left my grandmother.

Crazy, huh?

It was kind of cool actually cause I never liked my step-grandfather. Well, I never liked my paternal grandmother much either. I felt guilty about it for a long time, since you are supposed to love everyone in your family no matter what – kwim?

But I stopped feeling guilty about it the day my sister told me that our grandmother had told her – when she was like 9 years old – that is was her fault that Dad died. Let me be clear. My GRANDMOTHER told my SISTER that it was my SISTER‘s (and I suppose in turn, my) FAULT that my father DIED. No wonder my sister was fucked up for so long.

Speaking of revelations. It has been interesting to revisit my father through talk therapy. I have dissociative memory disorder… which means, when things weren’t too cool at home during the early years, I started blocking things… and usually when people start that habit at a young age, they just keep doing it into adulthood, even though the trauma may be gone. It’s been a joke among my family for a long time that I can’t remember anything. But here is the thing – I can remember things like names of songs, what celebrity is dating who, etc – things that don’t mean anything.

From what I have pieced together from talking to my mom and my aunt, from my therapist’s interpretations of my stories and my dreams, and just my general feeling on things… it is possible that my father molested me (or us) as children.

My father was non-paranoid schizophrenic… or as my mom calls it, psychotic (same thing). Apparently the worst episode was when he was conducting an orchestra (that was not there) and the doctors had to tell him that the rest of the band was waiting for him in the ambulance to get him out of the house. My mom downplays this, says that it resulted from the medications that he was taking, but my therapist says that is impossible. That drugs like lithium do not cause psychotic episodes, they treat them. Who knows.

My dad also possibly had mild OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)… based on some of the stories of his behavior, and my own tendencies towards OCD, I feel this to be correct as well.

My therapist has compared him to a lesser version of Russell Crowe’s character from A Beautiful Mind. That does not surprise me since my father was brilliant. In fact, he helped develop the first communications system for the first satellite that NASA ever sent up. My sister tells me that XM Radio is based on some of my dad’s work. Very very very smart man.

My therapist says that someone who is schizophrenic with possible OCD tendencies is not likely to attack, rape or violate… so it is unlikely that my father violently attacked me/us. In my bones, I am pretty sure he did not molest us. She said it is far more likely that he would masturbate in my presence, or expose himself – since one of the characteristics of this type of person is lack of boundaries and lack of empathy. I am not sure about that either. I do remember my dad in a robe and skivvies all the time, but my guess is that was more related to his level of intoxication than anything else.

But I do know that my father would come into our rooms and watch us at night while we are sleeping (see, lack of boundaries). There was one occasion where, he either scared my sister (or did something to her) and apparently I came to the door of my room and was so scared that I peed myself. Obviously I was really scared of something.

It is freaky not knowing for sure. But I have come to accept the fact that it is something I may never know.

Wow, lots of revelations.