Just call me Howard Hughes!

An evil and insidious stomach flu is criss-crossing this country right now. Half of Declan’s afterschool care class was out with diarrhea and several of the staff here at work were puking their brains out over the weekend. And I won’t even go there with the stories that are pouring in on the Mommy Boards. They ain’t pretty.

Dammit, I am not having liquids flying out both ends like a firehose 3 days before I leave for Mexico. (That sort of mass exodus should be saved for Montezuma’s revenge, after you get to Mexico, when you are too drunk to care). Therefore, I spent the morning wiping my desk, phone, computer, keyboard, doorknob, entryway… and yes, even the carpet in my office with Lysol disinfecting wipes to ward off every germ in a 3 mile radius.

Then I sent a mass-email to the whole company begging, pleading, cajoling them to do the same. They have rallied to the cause. Or maybe they just want me to chill the fuck out on my trip. Who knows.

• They have taken the Lysol wipes and cleaned every single office and common area on the whole floor in the building (and purchased me some common stock in Lysol, which I thought was very sweet).
• One person pasted a sign on my door, signed by a notary public: “If you are throwing up, or have been thrown up in the last 24 hours, or saw someone throwing up on TV recently – DO NOT ENTER!”
• One person handed me a Post-It Note signed by him and his fake medical degree that proclaimed I was allowed on the plane even if I had to wear Depends Undergarments to hold all that diarrhea in.
• One person handed out Glad Press & Seal so that we could seal up the doorways of all the offices, conduct meetings via web conference and not breathe the same air.
• A mystery benefactor left me megadose packets of Vitamin C on my desk. So I can build up my immune system and have citrus smell oozing from my pores.
• And finally, my good friends Christina and Teresa chipped in to buy me this dress to wear for the rest of the week, made of those good old Lysol wipes.

I am totally set.