Below are some of my all-time favorites.
“CNN: Reading Twitter To Old People Since 2009.”
— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) June 18, 2009
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
— passive aggressive (@behindyourback) August 30, 2010
Sent an email to my Mom.Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) August 31, 2012
Live-tweeting my getting fired. Boss is yelling. He’s getting up! He’s trying to stop me from texting! Now he’s chasing me! LOL!
— Chris Velazquez (@BrilliantOrange) June 18, 2009
If it weren’t for alcohol how would we even know when to call our exes?
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) November 19, 2011
My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people’s ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn’t know fuck about shit.
— Kyle H (@DepecheALAmode) August 9, 2011
Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 22, 2011
“Sir, unfortunately, “having a mullet” is not tax deductible… Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front.”
— iamnotdiddy™ (@iamnotdiddy) February 9, 2010
I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) November 25, 2012
“Get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me.” -Bull in a rodeo
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) November 7, 2011
If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.
— Adam Juskewitch (@juskewitch) November 22, 2010
The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say “to the” between each letter in their word.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
— lafix (@lafix) October 3, 2012
We have no food in the house so I shook my laptop keyboard upside down over a plate and now there’s lunch.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 31, 2012
Either my deodorant doesn’t work, or I bought burrito scented.
— Heather Kay (@lunchyprices) July 27, 2011
I think it’s rude that the Rice Krispies box says “Recipe on the bottom,” but doesn’t remind you to close the top.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) February 9, 2010
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee.I said only when it gets in my eyes.
— AstroGlider (@michael_J_m00n) October 14, 2009
Hey, little regular fry in my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.
— 5318008 (@primawesome) February 24, 2012
I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough bison before you died of dysentery.
— Quinn Katherman (@QuinnK) May 21, 2010
My favorite song is the one where Nicki Minaj sounds like a frightened deaf guy reading a Mad Lib.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 13, 2012
5 tickets to Avatar: $502 drinks: $12Popcorn: $10Having all 4 kids fall asleep in the movie? Pricele-Well; no. That’s still $72
— ruthakers (@ruthakers) December 26, 2009
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
— Manish (@savvystrider) June 22, 2011
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
— Schindizzle (@Schindizzle) February 20, 2011
“What’s your oldest sibling’s problem?” – Honest security password question.
— Sid Karger (@SidKarger) January 3, 2013
The word ‘phonetically’ doesn’t even start with an f.Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
— Jessica (@Schmoodles) May 28, 2012
Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011
How big of a Justin Bieber fan do you have to be before your period syncs up with his?
— MJ (@sucittaM) February 21, 2011
Every time you make a “your mom” joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
— Jason Sweeney (@sween) December 13, 2009
Dance like nobody’s watching is okay but I’m a parent so what I’d like is to poop like nobody’s outside the door telling on somebody else.
— jennifer lemons (@thecheckoutgirl) April 9, 2011
I’m old enough to remember when MTV wasn’t just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.
— Brian Soto (@TrainedHedonist) July 3, 2011
I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.
— Uncle Dynamite(@UncleDynamite) April 1, 2012