Cart

Funny People on Twitter

The Funniest People on Twitter

Every night before bed, I check both Favstar and Witstream. And then I don’t sleep. Because some of the most funny, gross, witty, hilarious people in the world just keep tweeting and tweeting.

Below are some of my all-time favorites.


“CNN: Reading Twitter To Old People Since 2009.”
— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) June 18, 2009

 

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
— passive aggressive (@behindyourback) August 30, 2010

 

Sent an email to my Mom.Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) August 31, 2012

 

Live-tweeting my getting fired. Boss is yelling. He’s getting up! He’s trying to stop me from texting! Now he’s chasing me! LOL!
— Chris Velazquez (@BrilliantOrange) June 18, 2009

 

If it weren’t for alcohol how would we even know when to call our exes?

— caprice crane (@capricecrane) November 19, 2011

 

My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people’s ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn’t know fuck about shit.
— Kyle H (@DepecheALAmode) August 9, 2011

 

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 22, 2011

 

“Sir, unfortunately, “having a mullet” is not tax deductible… Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front.”
— iamnotdiddy™ (@iamnotdiddy) February 9, 2010

 

I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) November 25, 2012

 

“Get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me, get the fuck off me.” -Bull in a rodeo
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) November 7, 2011

 

If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

— Adam Juskewitch (@juskewitch) November 22, 2010

 

The spelling bee would be better if the kids had to say “to the” between each letter in their word.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 1, 2012

 

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
— lafix (@lafix) October 3, 2012

 

We have no food in the house so I shook my laptop keyboard upside down over a plate and now there’s lunch.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 31, 2012

 

Either my deodorant doesn’t work, or I bought burrito scented.
— Heather Kay (@lunchyprices) July 27, 2011

 

I think it’s rude that the Rice Krispies box says “Recipe on the bottom,” but doesn’t remind you to close the top.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) February 9, 2010

 

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee.I said only when it gets in my eyes.
— AstroGlider (@michael_J_m00n) October 14, 2009

 

Hey, little regular fry in my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.
— 5318008 (@primawesome) February 24, 2012

 

I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough bison before you died of dysentery.

— Quinn Katherman (@QuinnK) May 21, 2010

 

My favorite song is the one where Nicki Minaj sounds like a frightened deaf guy reading a Mad Lib.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 13, 2012

 

5 tickets to Avatar: $502 drinks: $12Popcorn: $10Having all 4 kids fall asleep in the movie? Pricele-Well; no. That’s still $72
— ruthakers (@ruthakers) December 26, 2009

 

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
— Manish (@savvystrider) June 22, 2011

 

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
— Schindizzle (@Schindizzle) February 20, 2011

 

“What’s your oldest sibling’s problem?” – Honest security password question.
— Sid Karger (@SidKarger) January 3, 2013

 

The word ‘phonetically’ doesn’t even start with an f.Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
— Jessica (@Schmoodles) May 28, 2012

 

Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011

 

How big of a Justin Bieber fan do you have to be before your period syncs up with his?

— MJ (@sucittaM) February 21, 2011

 

Every time you make a “your mom” joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
— Jason Sweeney (@sween) December 13, 2009

 

Dance like nobody’s watching is okay but I’m a parent so what I’d like is to poop like nobody’s outside the door telling on somebody else.
— jennifer lemons (@thecheckoutgirl) April 9, 2011

 

I’m old enough to remember when MTV wasn’t just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

— Brian Soto (@TrainedHedonist) July 3, 2011

 

I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.
— Uncle Dynamite(@UncleDynamite) April 1, 2012

This article has 14 comments

  1. monstergirlee

    Now my husband is asking me what’s so funny. I’ll just let him read this too.
    Thanks Aimee, this was pretty awesome!

  2. Heidi Richardson Evans

    This post was like waking up to a big freaking treat- a tweat!

  3. zipper

    I love when you do these Aimee! Almost makes me want to get on Twitter!

  4. Jolene

    LOL! These are great!

  5. WILLIAM

    I love when you do these.

  6. Bethany

    awesome. just been hooting & breading them to hubby while he {tries} to work…

  7. Bill

    So awesome. “If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.” Still laughing.

  8. OMSH

    It is Friday night and YOUR POST has been mine and my husband’s entertainment.

    More proof I’m 40 and no longer party.

  9. Angela

    I am crying with laughter. Crying.

  10. Aimee Giese

    Glad you guys like them!

  11. Sarah Park

    Really funny tweets. Especially that “sending an email to grandma and teaching her how to open it anyway”.

  12. Jennifer

    I’m in the middle of a Twitter break (a Lent thing), but this reminds me of all the reasons why I probably will never be able to let it go permanently. HILARIOUS.

  13. Kriddie

    Hilarious! Love it!

Comments are now closed.
Send this to a friend