The funny people of Twitter are so hilarious, they often keep me up at night laughing. Here are some great tweets from comedians and/or just all-around awesome men and women in 140 characters or less.
Here they are in no particular order other than it is Monday morning and I need to get to work. By the way, some are vulgar and/or gross. No refunds.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time, She didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.
— Dean (@DeanOkay) March 22, 2011
Sometimes, I stand outside Starbucks and slide my hand down the window like Kate Winslet in Titanic for an hour and I get free coffee.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 20, 2013
I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, ” the way I remember the party you’re lucky you don’t bark.”
— swollenvoice (@swollenvoice) October 7, 2011
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 27, 2012
I wish lawmakers would start telling me what to do with my penis. Really confused. Women are *so* lucky.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 16, 2012
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
— Peter Karlin (@heykarlin) January 9, 2012
In space no one can hear you scream. On a conference call no one can see you give them the finger.
— Meeting Boy (@MeetingBoy) November 4, 2009
There are two guarantees in life 1. We all will die 2. White people fucking love brunch.
— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) September 17, 2011
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 29, 2013
I’m opening up a bar called The Gym so we don’t have to lie anymore.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 24, 2013
Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) July 16, 2012
WRONG: “He axed me a question.” RIGHT: “He hatcheted me for my base ignorance.”
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) September 29, 2011
Every neck tattoo should read “I’m not getting the job, am I?”
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) March 30, 2011
Wow. Republicans spent $55 million to repeal Obamacare. Think about all the guns they could have bought to protect themselves against gays.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 17, 2013
You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 13, 2012
I love Valentine’s Day because years ago I bought stock in passive-aggressive sadness on social media.
— Adam Cayton-Holland (@CaytonHolland) February 14, 2013
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
— Sudo Nim (@RealSudoNim) January 30, 2012
If you don’t like eating bananas in public because it looks like you’re giving a blowjob, you’re either doing bananas or blowjobs wrong.
— passive aggressive (@behindyourback) November 6, 2010
Don’t get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) February 9, 2012
Darth Vader killed Obi-Wan Kenobi, but in fairness Obi-Wan was technically wearing a hoodie at the time.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) March 30, 2012
My favorite co-worker just spoke to me for the first time. Now in the process of finding a new favorite.
— Chris Charpentier (@charpiecomedy) May 30, 2013
I open a Capri Sun like I’m giving Uma Thurman an adrenaline shot to her heart.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) January 19, 2013
I bet the Catholic church would feel different about birth control if little boys could get pregnant.
— 2HAYNEZ (@imandyhaynes) March 19, 2012
We had social networking when we were kids too… I think it was called “outside” back then though.
— Jamie Capria (@MrFornicator) September 15, 2010
If there’s something funnier than the face an older person makes when they put a piece of produce back, just let me know
— Paul Welsh (@paulbwelsh) August 17, 2012
My safe word is: Let’s make a baby!
— MOUTHYMESS (@MouthyMess) February 22, 2011
I’ve never had to finish a bar fight, primarily because most tough guys won’t risk getting their ass beaten by a suddenly naked man.
— Jordan Peterson (@dysolution) February 7, 2010
The exact translation of “We’ll just agree to disagree” is “You couldn’t be more f**king wrong but I’m over this discussion.”
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) September 23, 2011
Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It’s like being a Coldplay fan.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) May 11, 2012
A woman saying “I’m about to come” is another way of saying “Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I’ll stab you.”
— Brian Soto (@TrainedHedonist) August 31, 2010
My obituary will read: He’s now dead on the outside too.
— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) May 17, 2012
You know when women say ok and they mean fuck you? Nope? Oh… well ok then.
— Pax Paxochka (@Paxochka) September 5, 2010
Grocery Clerk: Did you find everything OK? Me: I didn’t find a hug. Her: … Me: … Her: … Me: You’re out of blowjobs too.
— MJ (@sucittaM) June 17, 2011
You know you’re an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert’s side over Ernie’s.
— Susan (@BettyLies) February 16, 2012
My turkey recipe: Place turkey in microwave. Hit the button that says POTATO and then wait. Repeat like 40 times. Serve with wine.
— Adam Juskewitch (@juskewitch) May 17, 2012
She sells seashells WHERE? By the seashore?? Pretty fucking horrible business plan IMHO.
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) February 23, 2012
I’ve never gone down on a man, but I’m probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I’ve stopped soda fizz from overflowing.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) November 22, 2011
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
— Jeply Surly (@JennyPentland) December 24, 2012
Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain’t Shit Fuck You
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 17, 2012
I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
— bitchpersonifyd (@bitchpersonifyd) August 23, 2012
Girls are made of sugar and spice and estrogen and emotions and feelings and tears and baggage and assorted issues and I’m out of room.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) October 3, 2012
My dog just shotgun blasted my wall with diarrhea. What is it boy? Is little Timmy trapped in a well?
— 5318008 (@primawesome) February 7, 2011
WILL MY CREDIT CARD BE DECLINED is a super fun game I play 45 times a day.
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) March 19, 2012
There are very, very few things it’s OK to say to someone at the next urinal. “You must take vitamins” is not one of them.
— Adam Isacson (@adamisacson) September 25, 2009
I’d fight a bear for you. Not a grizzly. Or a brown bear. Or a panda. But maybe like a Care Bear? I’d fight one of those fuckers for you.
— moiste porque (@MoistPork) March 20, 2013
Sometimes I like to go down to the pond dressed as a giant duck and throw entire loaves of bread at people.
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) June 15, 2011
Fuck hot coals, if you want to impress me walk across a dark room full of legos with bare feet.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) September 13, 2011
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?
— lafix (@lafix) December 28, 2010
My kid heard me unwrapping a tampon and asked if I was eating candy in the bathroom.
— Heather Kay (@lunchyprices) September 29, 2011
I’m similar to a male seahorse in the following ways: 1.) cool hair 2.) baby pouch 3.) never seen an owl up close
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) April 14, 2012
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 5, 2013
If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) March 24, 2013
My Twitter addiction costs me approximately one day per day.
— JRehling (@JRehling) April 24, 2012
Seriously, go follow these guys and all the funny people on my Favstar list.
OR. Perhaps avoid them and go on with your happy life, uninterrupted.