People ask me to do these all the time, so FINE. I am going to try harder and get organized. How about once a month? Come back in September and see if I actually follow a schedule. Until then, enjoy these gems collected from the last month on Twitter. In no particular order because, hello, there is no way I am going to get THAT organized.
It's a good thing there's a winky face emoji because, according to my selfies, when I actually try to wink I look like I'm having a seizure.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 14, 2014
Dick Cheney: "How can Obama say 'We don't have a strategy yet' for ISIS? What about my strategy of assuming we'll be greeted as liberators?"
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) August 28, 2014
iTunes Just Going To Keep Opening Itself Until You Use It
— Morgan Evans (@totallymorgan) August 28, 2014
HIM: College football starts tonight! ME: … HIM: Stop making that motion. You don't even HAVE one of those.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 28, 2014
Pretty silly how ancient civilizations worshiped the sun as a god, but then again, at least the sun is real.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) August 21, 2014
A bigger challenge would be to know what ALS stands for.
— Sid Karger (@SidKarger) August 24, 2014
I want to make a documentary about Morgan Freeman but I'm not sure who should narrate it.
— JerryThomas (@JerryThomas) August 25, 2014
Saying Obamacare is killing the economy would be more effective if people on Wall Street weren't currently building forts out of money.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 26, 2014
Fuck the police! Just kidding, I think someone is in my house and I've got the panic farts.
— swollenvoice (@swollenvoice) August 27, 2014
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) August 9, 2014
Just asked a lady who got flowers delivered to her at work if she died.
— MJ (@sucittaM) August 1, 2014
My kid lost a tooth yesterday and another today so I'm daring him to write "Meth" on his 1st grade "How I spent my summer vacation" essay.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 17, 2014
The worst part about having an argument with one of my marionettes is having to get up and move him out of the room as he storms off.
— matt tuff (@matttuff) August 28, 2014
I'm not sure why alcoholic parents get such a bad rap. How else are you supposed to understand what a toddler is saying if you're not drunk?
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) August 20, 2014
I love the bible because it combines my love of reading with my love of being lied to.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) August 11, 2014
Turn a negative into a positive. My dad used to throw empty bottles at me. I built ships inside of them. He threw those at me too but still.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) August 13, 2014
A kid just started talking to me and I played dead. She went away. Doesn't just work on bears, people.
— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) August 20, 2014
That stalkers show is totally exaggerated. Sometimes people need to build shrines and your dryer lint is a major component of that, TODD.
— lafix (@lafix) August 6, 2014
I'm convinced I could be an actor anytime I smile while holding the door for more than one person.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 7, 2014
The worst part of trying to kill a mosquito is watching it bang itself along the wall like some drunk asshole you should be able to catch
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) August 27, 2014