Funny Tweets from October 2014

Here is the latest collection of fun (and funny) tweets from some of my favorite people on Twitter. Enjoy!

My Halloween costume is me violently coughing on everybody.

— Chris Velazquez (@brilliantorange) October 24, 2014

5yo: I'm angry! Me: I know 5: I don't like it when you say that! Me: Ok 5: I don't like that either! Me: 5: Why aren't you talking to me?!

— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 25, 2014

The only thing I've ever "taken to the next level" is an escalator.

— ruthakers (@ruthakers) October 11, 2014

I'm really sick of all these Attractive-Americans exploiting their Hot Privilege.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) October 16, 2014

Friday the 13th movies are scary because they remind me that some people actually go camping on purpose

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 14, 2014

More scared of my parents than ISIS.

— Ghoul Mortis (@JillMorris) October 22, 2014

Saw Gone Girl and thoroughly missed seeing Ben Affleck’s penis. Now I know how Matt Damons felt for the last fifteen years. 🙁

— Emily Volman (@emilyvolman) October 7, 2014

My cell phone photography exhibit titled "Inside pant pockets" opens at the end of the month

— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) October 10, 2014

Comparing pet ownership to parenting is like saying ownership of a cat is like lion taming.

— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2014

My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) October 9, 2014

“Any flavor but potato!” – Chips

— Joel Ingersoll (@FlyoverJoel) October 15, 2014

People who refuse to stay put: Puppies, toddlers, and Americans under Ebola quarantine.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 18, 2014

Couldn't get myself to smile in a selfie so I jingled my keys.

— Andy Pitz (@AndyPitz) October 25, 2014

If the apocalypse is anything like airplane deboarding I'm giving up right now

— Cassie Ramoska (@cramoska) October 19, 2014

For Halloween you should go as someone who actually does his job. That would be a real costume for you.

— Meeting Boy (@MeetingBoy) October 23, 2014

The winner of the relationship is the first one to go "here, hold this."

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 7, 2014

It's my duty as a parent to make sure my kids look natural in pictures and not like freakish fake-smiling murdery clowns.

— Pauly Miller (@Pauly_Miller) October 14, 2014

Sneezed and hit my head on the glass of water on my desk and now have an odd mixture of snot and water all over everything. Happy Monday!

— Chris Charpentier (@charpiecomedy) October 6, 2014