Me: "I better email myself this piece of info in the unlikely event that I forget it." Phone dings. Me: "Ooh, email! Wonder who it's from!"
— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) February 2, 2015They say not to go to bed angry so what am I supposed to do, never sleep?
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) January 20, 2015Katy Perry discovered Missy Elliot the way Kanye West discovered Paul McCartney the way Christopher Columbus discovered America.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 2, 2015Okay, look, there's a Black History Month because the other 11 ARE White History Months.
— Sir Chris Velazquez (@brilliantorange) January 22, 2015Doing that ninja exercise where you punch water, only instead of water I'm using gravy, and instead of my fists, I'm using my tongue.
— J. Sager Weinstein (@jacobsw) November 28, 2014I'm thankful I didn't have to find out which family member brought the bottle of Ménage a Trois wine to Thanksgiving dinner.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) November 28, 2014"I don't think I'm going to make it to #SideboobSunday, you guys," he moaned from the La-Z-boy, cradling a distended, gravy-filled stomach.
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) November 28, 2014The only CGI in Star Wars The Force Awakens will be used to close Harrison Ford's earring hole.
— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) November 28, 2014My Halloween costume is me violently coughing on everybody.
— Chris Velazquez (@brilliantorange) October 24, 20145yo: I'm angry!
Me: I know
5: I don't like it when you say that!
Me: Ok
5: I don't like that either!
Me:
5: Why aren't you talking to me?!
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 25, 2014The only thing I've ever "taken to the next level" is an escalator.
— ruthakers (@ruthakers) October 11, 2014