Nov 2005
07

Recurring Nightmare

Even with the Lunesta, I still have vivid dreams. I am so thankful that I do not have regular night terrors anymore – my night terrors were on the level of: screaming my head off, punching Bryan, and being petrified of someone being in the room with me… I used to have night terrors several times a week and now they come more like once a month. I seriously need to write a letter of thanks to the Lunesta people. I will take a vivid, unsettling dream over a night terror any day.

Last night I had a dream that I have over and over again – that I am losing my house. That we cannot afford it and we have to sell/move/leave quickly. It gives me a mild panic attack to even think about it.

I have talked to my therapist about this dream, and we believe it comes from the night that we left my dad in the middle of the night. It had been a bad bad night, where my drunken father had ripped the phone off the wall, hit my mom so hard that it ripped her earrings out of her ear (I actually remember the earrings too… blue and gold ones she got in Germany… this is strange for me because I have a disassociate memory problem where I have blocked much of my childhood from my memory.) Anyway, after things settled down, my mom asked me what I wanted to do. I said leave. I meant for the night. She meant for forever.

We enticed my sister out of the living room where my dad was half passed out on the couch watching TV, snuck out the back door, pushed the car down the driveway, and went to my grandmothers. It was when we walked in the door and my mom told Oma, “that was the last time,” that I realized I had just ripped my family apart.

As an adult I do realize that it was not my decision really, and certainly it was not my fault… but I carried that guilt with me for a long long time. I think I also get really scared when thinking of having to change like that so quickly – the feeling of being uprooted has stayed with me.

Here is the cool thing about starting to get a handle on all these feelings I have from childhood. Even though the dream was vivid and unsettling… I have started to be able to turn my head around while in the middle of the dream. Last night I was able to remind myself it was all a dream, we weren’t going to lose our house, etc and calm myself down.

Nov 2005
07

I don’t know how they will top Colin Firth, but…

Pride & Prejudice (the new one) opens next weekend. Joy of all joy, Bryan just agreed to let me sneak out and go see it. I am seriously scared though, that they will screw up the wonderfulness that is the BBC mini-series version of the book, not to mention the book itself. P&P is my fave Jane Austen book (close second being Sense & Sensibility – but they really are the same book essentially, so it almost counts as one thing). Not to mention my long standing love for Colin Firth – and not just because of that wet shirt scene – so again, I am excited yet scared to see a new rendition. But of course, I don’t really care and will go see it no matter what, just to have some alone time in the theater with a chick flick and some popcorn.

Nov 2005
06

Happy poop day!

Bryan played Mr. Expert Plumber today and replaced our old, failing toilet. I can’t express the joy of, when flushing the toilet, our excrement actually going down the shoot on the 1st try.

Meanwhile, Declan and I went out in search of big boy beds today. We may have found what he need, but in turn that means I need to find a headboard and new bedding to coordinate it all. I foresee an afternoon of internet browsing while he sleeps.

I am bittersweet about the big boy bed thing. I mean, I do think it is time, he is finally ready. But it is also a signal that my baby is growing up. Not to mention the lack of control I will have when he gets himself out of his bed all on his own. As I have mentioned, I realize I have issues with control and certainly my son should be allowed to get up and take himself to the bathroom when the need arises… I just need to remind myself of that about 5,000 times.

Speaking of, just this minute he shat himself during nap and was very upset about it.

Where and when can I order that big boy bed???

Nov 2005
06

The man who both Bryan and I have a crush on.

If you don’t recognize him, it’s Henry Rollins. Formerly of the punk band Black Flag, currently dabbles in just about everything media related. Saw him do 3 hours of spoken word in Boulder last night and per usual, he was fucking awesome. Hilariously funny, but also magnificent at seeing through the bullshit of the world. For example, he has now done 6 USO tours for the troops – some of which to the most dangerous places in the world – yet hates Bush. Proving that you can love your country, support the troops, but still loudly question your leaders.

Oh, and my new phrase that I plan to use all the time, that I picked up from Henry last night? “I was so mad, I wanted to eat my hair.” Love it.