An Open Letter

Dear Colorado,

I know you are scared. That stuff falling from the sky is not white. It’s clear. And wet. And splashy.

But, it will be alright. Rain like this only happens like once a year. But I promise. As someone who grew up in Maryland and considered building an Ark in her mother’s backyard, I know – It. will. be. alright.

You don’t have to drive 5 miles per hour. You don’t have to slam on your brakes before every single puddle. You don’t have to make me take the lord’s name in vain 50 blessed times before I even leave my neighborhood. And I’m not even religious.

You do however, have to take your foot off the gas AND brake when you start hydroplaning. You do have to put your headlights on whenever your wipers are on. And you, the guy in the monster truck, you could do us all a favor and just grab your dick instead of the gear shift (since we all know that’s what you want to do anyway), instead of zigzagging through all the sloths and creating waves that the dudes on the North Shore would be envious of.

It’s enough to make me want a shot of tequila at 8:30 in the morning.


This article has 11 comments

  1. Sue

    You should see San Diegans driving when it rains. Oy! Good thing we don’t get snow.

  2. Sizzle

    “grab your dick”

    ha ha HA!

  3. Shell

    That’s exactly why I ride the bus. And what a pleasant time I had this morning sitting in traffic reading my very funny book!

  4. Anonymous


  5. doodaddy

    Geez. Drive careful. Or minimal.

    If it makes you feel any better, we just had an earthquake.

  6. Christina

    Here in Ohio, we’re used to rain like that, but people still can’t drive in it.

  7. aimee / greeblemonkey

    Ha Merry. Touch√©! But it was better than here! ūüôā

  8. aimee / greeblemonkey

    And Doodaddy – EARTHQUAKE?

  9. merrymishaps

    Did they know how to drive in the rain when you lived in Maryland? Because they certainly don’t now.

    Of course, snow is worse …

  10. Tree

    FREAKING hilarious.

  11. Alpha DogMa

    Everything makes “me want a shot of tequila at 8:30 in the morning.” Every. Thing. But I’m going to settle for a couple of tabs of Dristan.
    Very funny post.

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