Glad it’s not MY resume.
George W. Bush
The White House, USA
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
• I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s license suspended for 30 days.
• My Texas driving record has been “lost” and is not available.
• I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
• I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
• By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
• I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
Past Work Experience:
• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
Accomplishments as Governor of Texas:
• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies.
• During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
Accomplishments as President:
• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families – in war time.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
Records and References:
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.