New Funny Tweets

I used to do these kinds of posts more, and a friend asked me recently why I stopped. I kind of sat up and thought to myself… “I have no idea???” I still visit my favorite tweeters almost every night on Favstar.fm and Witstream.

So, here are some recent gems for you to laugh at as well.

I found it refreshingly honest when they had the #MichaelJacksonHologram pay $20million in settlements to 3 different hologram families

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) May 19, 2014

So apparently when someone tells you they’re having a baby, “On purpose?!” is not the correct response.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 15, 2014

Hotels are real green about those towels but have no problem shoving a paper receipt you didn’t ask for under your door.

— Adam Cayton-Holland (@CaytonHolland) May 19, 2014

I feel the need to make a politically correct statement: politicians are all a bunch of assholes. — Wickedwordslinger (@StephenBCramer) May 20, 2014

Guns kill people like spoons make people fat? *Throws a spoon at you *You don’t get fat You’re an idiot

— Paper Wash© (@PaperWash) May 19, 2014

CELEBRITY LADIES: We know you cross your legs in photos to look svelter, but in long gowns, it just looks like your feet are on wrong. — Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) May 18, 2014

I have 2 speeds: vegetable and chipmunk-on-crack

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) May 19, 2014

Hey lady I shazamed your crying baby it turns out he hates you

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 20, 2014

When I see a little kid lick a scoop of ice cream off his cone and onto the street I frown & recall that humans are impervious to evolution.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) May 20, 2014

If a phone conversation lasts longer than ten minutes, you’re legally married. — PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) May 17, 2014

Don't be a fool, stay in school. Forever. Literally, do not leave. There's nothing but spreadsheets and HR out here.

— Nimbly Bimbly (@Sam_Alan33) May 20, 2014

Whoever designed this parking structure read Kafka.

— Adam Wilson (@theleanover) May 19, 2014

My wedding vows will go something like: “We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.” — Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) May 20, 2014

"You've become less of a comedian, and more of a monster." – Probably my mom

— Trent Gillaspie (@trentgillaspie) May 15, 2014

When I nod and listen during your story, I'm really thinking about how I wish I looked better in sleeveless tops.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 20, 2014

Wants a relationship that fills me with as much joy as seeing my phone battery at 100%

— Dean (@DeanOkay) May 20, 2014

Your body is a wonderland. My body is a rainforest climate.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 19, 2014

Neighbor mom saw me cutting the grass and whispered to her daughter See honey, that’s what divorced looks like. — Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 19, 2014

There’s no emoticon for stop sending me emoticons before I stab you.

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) May 17, 2014

I’m no big hero, but if there was a disaster where we were asked for our unique talents to figure a way out, I could describe people’s flaws — Brian Soto (@TrainedHedonist) May 17, 2014

For a moment Twitter said “your timeline is empty” and for a moment I thought, “I’m free”

— MyPointWas (@MyPointWas) May 9, 2014