Frankenhutch
In general, we have always had great neighbors. In fact, I just got back in touch with one recently. But you always have at least one koo koo bird, don’t you?
And at our old house, we had one hell of a koo koo bird. In fact, she was a big impetus for us moving to our current house nearly 8 years ago.
We bought our first house in 1996, and KooKoo moved in about 6 months after we did, inheriting the house she grew up in from her father. The house looked nothing like the near-downtown neighborhood to begin with, but then she started adding things. Like knick knacks in her front yard. I am talking knack knacks that would be fugly in anyone’s house, but were grossly inappropriate sitting on a log in a front yard. A log that I had to walk past every day.
And then the sweeping. Good lord, the SWEEPING. She had dirt paths instead of concrete and she would sweep at them constantly. And then cough for 30 minutes at the dust storm she created. And her dogs barked incessantly. And when it snowed, she stood on the front yard and railed against the City of Denver for not cleaning it up. Not from the street – From her yard.
Kooooo. Koooooo. {spiraling fingers around head}
But my most favorite KooKoo story is before we got to know just how crazy she was. It was our first New Years Eve in our house, and we were having a party. Stupidly, we invited her over – you know, being all friendly and whatnot. She wobbled over looking like Stevie Nicks on acid and proceeded to insult every person at the party. I loved when she asked our friend Rachel “So – what are you?!” and Rachel answered, “I am am not sure what you mean. I am a lesbian. And a Mexican. Does that cover it for you?”
As I was giving KooKoo a tour of the house, I commented that we wanted to get a hutch for our breakfast nook someday. SOMEDAY. And she leaped in to the fact that SHE had a hutch I would just LOVE! Have I mentioned this woman gave us a wreath for Christmas with pine cones haphazzardly gluegunned on them, looking like they had been made by someone in a mental institution? Thus the chances of me liking her hutch so much as to actually give her money for it? NILL.
I politely decline, we move on. She headed home pretty early in the evening. (Must not have liked the Mexican lesbians). And then, about 15 minutes till ball-drop time, there was a knock on our door. It was KooKoo! And she was panting.
“Aimee! I tried to bring the hutch over to show you it, but I only got it as far as the front yard!”
I peek over her shoulder and see it. The hutch. The thing she thinks I am going to buy from her and put in my house. On its side in her front bushes. A HUGE FUCKING HUTCH, PEOPLE!!! I repeat, on its side, in her front bushes, at quarter till midnight on New Years Eve!
And this was no ordinary hutch. She had done her “art” to it. There were pieces of driftwood glue gunned all over this thing. As Bryan skidded out the front door to see where I was, he did a double take.
After we politely told KooKoo that we were all tapped out from buying the house, that we really didn’t have any extra money for furniture right now, but thanks anyway, we need to get back to our guests, yeah, oh look, Dick Clark is counting down – GOTTA GO.
As we shut the door, Bryan said, “You didn’t LIKE that thing did you?” The look on my face gave him my answer.
“Good. Because that thing was freaking Frankenhutch.”
And Frankenhutch stayed on the lawn for 3 months. And never actually made it back into her house, but stayed on her porch after that.
I still chuckle when I drive by and see it there.
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P.S. 30 Days of Thanks
I am thankful for every lovely person who has lived near us, been there to help us when we needed it, celebrated the good times with us, and built a wonderful sense of community.
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Oh
My
God
It was in her yard for 3 months???
Our kookoo neighber is nice enough, but I worry about her when she gets drunk and then goes and does tai chee (sp?) in the pool. (we live in a condo, and we look right out of our window into the pool)
i’m even more thankful now for our perfect neighbors!!
That is HILARIOUS.
Thats beautiful. Simply, beautiful. So sad that you didn’t have the $$.
Awww, the people you’ve lived near are totally thankful for you, too.
got to love crazy neighbors…..makes me want to build a really tall fence.
Jeez, you can’t even make that stuff up.
Where are the pictures!? Please, please do a drive-by photo shoot.
What did she put on the log?
I’m afraid we may be the koo koo neighbor at the moment. My husband just hung wind chimes from the trees – wind chimes that the kids made with forks, knives, spoons and metal baskets. He’s also planted corn in the front yard. But he’s not worried about the Mexican Lesbians, so maybe it’s ok.
You totally win the Koo Koo neighbor award. Hands down!
holy hell i can’t stop laughing. that is one seriously funny story! sure, i’ve had a long day and been up since the buttcrack of dawn but i’m pretty sure it’s THAT funny.
i love your friend’s response: “I am am not sure what you mean. I am a lesbian. And a Mexican. Does that cover it for you?” AWESOME!
she dragged the hutch out. then she left it there for 3 mos.
fucking priceless.
There usually is one Koook in the ‘hood, and at the other end if the block, “The Family” … with 10 kids … and ALL that goes with ’em.
I have so many similiar stories from the absolute lunatic that lived next to me (also in an inheirited house.) We should talk some time.
He was a licensed ‘cattery’ and had generations of feral cats running wild because he didn’t believe in ‘sterilizing animals.’
He left us ‘presents’ of dollar-store yellow-lab bobble-heads and such on our windowsills.
He decorated the OUTSIDE of his house with similar knick-knacks (like on the water meter, etc).
We called him ‘Manson’ if that is any indication.
He turned the downstairs of his house into a kennel so he could breed bulldogs.
That’s only scratching the surface.
Funny.
she was good for something; blog stories!
That’s the funniest story I’ve read all day! OMG!! Frankenhutch!!! Freakin’ hysterical!
I love the Crazies! They make life so much more interesting.
boogiemum… she was really mean too – I skipped that part because it gives me heartburn! 😉
That is so much better than my neighbor and her “low maintenance” landscaping (i.e. white ROCKS!).
She wanted the city to clean snow, from her LAWN???
Hahahaha.
That’s terrible. What a neighbor!
Yeah, she’s freaky, but funny. I’ve had some weird neighbors everywhere I go. I don’t seem to mind them as much as the plain old mean neighbors, which I’ve had too many of those…
No neighbourhood is complete without a KooKoo.
Can you video her next time and put in on Youtube? I could do with a good laugh.
I’m glad the worst thing my neighbor has ever done is flash me. Didn’t want to see that, mind, but at least it was only temporary. Your kookoo neighbor sorta reminds me of that one-upper character from Saturday Night Live.
I think we should all pitch in and buy the damn hutch
that was hysterical! and with the holidays coming up I’ll be sure to think carefully about which neighbors I invite. tooo funny.
Kookoo sounds like my “Rakeman”. He’s a mildly retarded man who lives across the street from us and rakes leaves every day…all day. When there are no leaves on the ground, he rakes the trees. Now he has a leafblower so it’s accompanied by the sound of the blower going all day…every day. When it snows, he gets up at 3Am to run the snowblower, and screams at every car that drives by.
We’ve had our share of kookoo’s, but yours is definitely something. That hutch story. HILARIOUS!
Crazy neighbors can make life hell, but there’s no doubt they definately also make life interesting. This lady sure beats my crazy neighbor guy scrubbing at oil stains in the parking lot!
Holy crap that’s a good story.
Yannow… I’m not feelin’ so bad about myself now. Thanks! 😉
wow. just, wow.
and thanks for a good laugh