Funny Tweets from January 2015

Me: "I better email myself this piece of info in the unlikely event that I forget it." Phone dings. Me: "Ooh, email! Wonder who it's from!"

— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) February 2, 2015

They say not to go to bed angry so what am I supposed to do, never sleep?

— caprice crane (@capricecrane) January 20, 2015

Katy Perry discovered Missy Elliot the way Kanye West discovered Paul McCartney the way Christopher Columbus discovered America.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 2, 2015

Okay, look, there's a Black History Month because the other 11 ARE White History Months.

— Sir Chris Velazquez (@brilliantorange) January 22, 2015

It's not even 11am yet and I already ate so much gluten that if I sneeze on you, you may be transformed into bread.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 23, 2015

Before starfish had a brand manager, they were called ocean asterisks.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 3, 2015

Every selfie you take creates another horcrux

— Cassie Ramoska (@cramoska) January 25, 2015

Just ate one serving of chips. 15 times in a row. Twice.

— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) January 27, 2015

SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: All you need is– JOHN LENNON: –Love! *jumps* INSTRUCTOR: A parachute. All you need is a parachute.

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) January 12, 2015

The only Ghostbusters update that I'm concerned about is whether or not they make the important change to "who you gonna text"

— (maura) (@behindyourback) January 28, 2015

"I have a hole in my pants." "We all do. That's how we get in them."

— one katie please (@katefeetie) January 21, 2015

My kids are trading "Yo Mama" barbs, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they're both insulting the same person

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) February 3, 2015

Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) January 28, 2015

Kids are home sick today. Figure I should do what every mother does when she has sick kids and take them to Target.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) January 23, 2015

Style guide q: If one gets caught having illicit sex or deflating balls during a natural disaster, is it a -pocalypse, a -gate, or a -ghazi?

— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) January 26, 2015

Me: Valentine’s Day is coming up. 4-year-old: Is that the one with Leprechauns? Me: No. 4: Not interested.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2015