The Template for an Oscar Acceptance Speech

As a public service, I have prepared components for Oscar nominees to use for next year’s Oscars to make sure they give short, sweet and appropriate acceptance speeches.

Here are the people you are allowed to thank:

• The Academy – lest you forget the people who gave you the award.
• Your Family – This includes your parents who paid your rent while you were a struggling actor and your husband who puts up with your wild mood swings. This does not include your crazy Aunt Clara and your 15 cousins in The Bronx, unless of course they had some pivotal role in getting you there.
• The Director, Cast & Crew of the film – Definitely thank the people who molded your performance. However, it is totally appropriate to simply say “everyone else who worked on this film” – and skip the rest. They all know you only have 30 seconds. Seriously. You don’t have time to mention Morty, the guy at the craft services table who made sure you had onion bagels every day.
• The Studio who Produced The Film – Yes, mention the money people, because you do, of course, want their money again. However, we do not need to hear more than 3 names associated with the film. Pick the richest and most powerful three. If I have to listen to one more list of 500 rambling names, I am going to shoot myself in the head.
• And yes, God – While I am not a religious person, this is not a separation of church and state issue, so – if you feel inclined to thank your maker, now is the time to do so.

Now, depending on the film, you may add a little speech IF APPROPRIATE. See: Al Gore, Jennifer Hudson and Forest Whitaker.

Al spoke about Global Warming, Jennifer talked about making it where her grandmother failed and Forest spoke about never believing he could be an actor. Meaning, you are allowed to preach politically or socially if, and only if, it is related to the movie you were in… and of course, any actor who pulls himself up by his bootstraps and knocks one out of the park like Forest and Jennifer did, well they can pretty much talk about whatever they want.

Let’s hope my words of inspiration get through to next year’s nominees and we can have a less boring, more enjoyable, and – dare I say – quicker Oscars for everyone involved.

P.S. Ellen was fun. Yay for Jennifer, Marty, Melissa and Inconvenient Truth. Great dresses by Gwyneth, Reese and Cameron. And the shadow puppet people were cool too.